Emotional Dump

I cried last Thursday. I couldn’t hold back the tears. I tried to fight it, but the tears won. Damn tears. It was just one of those weeks. The one where nothing seems to go right. The one where you do everything necessary and still come up short.

I’ll spare you the details because I was emotionally drained just trying to type it out and having to re-live it. The jist is that I have a difficult client at work. Someone who gets panicked and stressed easily, and takes a lot of calming down to stop running around like a headless chook. Someone who speaks the same language as me so the team relies on me a lot for duties outside of my role, and they don’t even acknowledge it. Someone who, no matter how much I give, just keeps wanting to take more.

On top of that, the same client has scabies, so I needed to be treated as a precaution. Doing loads of laundry after a long and tiring day at work is frustrating at best. And because one challenging client who speaks my language isn’t enough, I just got allocated another client who is just as exhausting.

Also, early in the week I found out that my Dad had a heart attack. “Not a minor heart attack, a heart attack,” said the Heart Specialist correcting me. Lots of new medications prescribed that I needed to understand so I could explain to my family, and an upcoming angiogram that I’ll be accompanying my Dad to. My Sister flipped out when I told her, but later calmed down and commented that she was thankful I’ve got things under control.

Under control?

That’s a place I’d like to be. Honestly, I felt I had no one to turn to this week. My Bestie had their own issues with their love life that I’m listening to. And Super Boy was nowhere to be found after work. I couldn’t talk to family because I’m the one who supposedly has her shit together. And I couldn’t even talk to my beloved teddy bear because he could have been infected with scabies and needed a wash and I couldn’t trust him in a laundromat.

So I finally reached breaking point after work on Thursday. I was exhausted. I was physically and emotionally drained. I had nothing left in the tank. All I could do was cry. I just sat in my car and cried.

I cried in front of Super Boy. I tried to hide it, but I’m sure he knew. I can’t remember the last time I cried, let alone cried in front of someone. I normally do it in private, behind closed doors. That way, people don’t freak out about what they should do. And afterwards I can get on with life as if it didn’t happen.

There’s always something shameful about crying. You can’t cry because you’re a strong, independent woman. But crying is such a release. I know it. My body knows it. And I felt better after all those tears streaming down my face and the snot dripping out of my nose (that’s something they don’t show you in movies).

I’m better today. But I’m still not 100%. I can tell I’m fed up with lots of things, lots of people. I can still feel the burden of everything weighing down on my shoulders. I wake up and think about all the things I still need to do. Where do people go to offload it? How do you turn your brain off? Who does the listener turn to when there’s no one around to listen? How many more times will I need to cry before I stop feeling this shitty?

10 thoughts on “Emotional Dump

  1. slothyqueen says:

    All I can say is well done for dealing with everything so well so far. From what you’ve written you seem like an extremely strong person. Good luck for the future.

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  2. restlessjo says:

    There are patches in life that you don’t know how the hell you’re going to get through. Mostly they do end but it can be grim at the time. Try and make a little bit of time for yourself and something you enjoy to do- however brief. And just hold on! You’ll get through it. Sorry about your Dad, but he’s diagnosed- that’s half the battle.
    Sending hugs ๐Ÿ™‚

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  3. Misskaren says:

    Sorry to hear about your dad Sandy, I’ll say a prayer for him. We all need a good cry sometimes… Take heart dear, there are brighter days ahead. I hope you find comfort in the things around you that make you happy. xx

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  4. <3 missus <3 says:

    Ah gee, Sandy, don’t be ashamed of yourself. You said it yourself: it’s a relief to cry! Who cares if you cry or not? If it makes YOU feel better, then cry! If you only knew how many ppl have seen me cry already ๐Ÿ˜€ But it helps. A short good cry, tension is gone, and you can focus again and concentrate. Let it happen, it’s good for your body, it’s good for your soul. Trying to seem stronger only drains you more โค

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