Time Machine

January 2014. A new year and a new job. I’ve been waiting a long time for this. Is it going to be what I hoped for? What if it’s not what I thought it would be? What if I’m not good enough for it? But also, now that I have a job, what next? I feel like I’ve always had something to aim for, something to try to achieve, and now that I’ve gotten this I don’t really know what to do with myself.

Enjoy it, Sandy. It’s a great job. You might feel out of your depth at first, but who doesn’t feel that way starting a new job? Do you remember how you felt when you first worked as a social worker in London? And you had almost zero experience then. You’ve gotten a lot since. Don’t be afraid to ask questions because that’s how you learn. Enjoy the experience. And not knowing what to do with yourself? Are you kidding me? Have you not seen how badly the house needs to be revamped?

July 2013. Nothing in particular is happening. Except for me feeling a whole-lotta sorry for myself. It’s been a few months since I came back to Sydney after having an amazing time in London. I’m depressed because I lost all that I had worked so hard to get. I’m angry at people telling me things would be okay and they’re not. This life isn’t what I had imagined. I’m finding it difficult to adjust. I don’t belong here. How will I ever go back to how things were? Will I be happy again?

Sandy, take your time to move on. People only mean well when they tell you you’ll be fine and have no problems getting on. But this is going to take some time. Don’t stress about having to jump straight back into it. You need to grieve for everything you’ve lost. Take your time.

April 2013. My final days in London. I know I can’t stay, but maybe there’s another way. There’s still so much to explore. I’ve thoroughly enjoyed my time here and it’s hard to let go. I’ve learned so much and have grown to who I want to be. I’m going to miss London. I’m going to miss him. What am I going to do when I return to Sydney? Will I find life just as fulfilling? I don’t want this lifestyle to end.

Sandy, it hurts to let go, but you do need to leave. Why not make the most of your last few days? If he’s not able to make time for you now, why get so hung up about it? Neither of you owe anything to each other. That was the deal. Forget him for now. Spend some time with the Italian man and have a fucking blast. Heck, pick up another man and go home with him. You know you can. Explore one more part of the city you haven’t seen. Re-visit a favourite place or two. And please buy another suitcase and start packing some things. Now. You’ll save time, anxiety and fifty quid in cab fare. You can thank me later.

October 2011. Break-ups suck, but why am I so upset when I broke up with a guy I know isn’t good for me? I can’t stop crying and I can’t figure out why. I’m starting to wonder if things were really that bad. He has helped me. I can’t figure out with what, but I’m sure he has. It wasn’t always doom and gloom. Maybe I’m being too demanding? It must be me. I still haven’t found a job and I’ve been in London for months now. My money is slowly running out. I’m hungry and I’m sick of eating cereal all the time. My life is a mess.

Hey, Sandy, listen. I know you’re upset right now and things aren’t looking too great. But let me tell you a few things. That guy, he’s an asshole. You know it. There’s a reason you didn’t want him to visit you and why you stopped seeing him so often. He weighs you down. Don’t let him guilt you into thinking he’s going to take his own life. You know he won’t. He’s just being manipulative. He doesn’t care about you as an individual person with your own personality and quirks. To him, you’re easily replaced by another girl. It sounds hurtful, but you know it. You’ve known for some time. Go out for a walk and enjoy this new city and don’t pay him any attention. Also, keep up the studying and continue to write your job applications. You’ll get one soon enough.

November 2010. What am I doing with my life? I hate my job. No, actually, I hate The Boss. I do so much in so little time and it’s never good enough. The Boyfriend isn’t helping. I don’t know what I’m doing with my life, but at least I’m working. All he does is play games and spend my money. I doubt he’s looking for work at all. My friends aren’t helping things either. This is shit. I need to get out of this routine. How did it become like this?

Hey Sandy, what are you thinking? You’re tempted to just forget all this and go to London, am I right? Look, I don’t want to give anything away, but if that’s your plan then go for it. Maybe talk to The Parents about it soon though. They’re naturally going to be worried and try to convince you out of it, and so will everyone else, but don’t let that deter you. You’re stronger than you think. Although a little bit more research wouldn’t hurt you. That’s all I’m able to say. I don’t want to spoil any surprises or experiences for you, but damn, you’re going on one heck of an adventure. Have fun.


[I have written this post as part of this week’s Writing Challenge.]

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